I feel like everything is hazy. Like I can see general shapes and colors, but I can't see the details. We are in a season of unknowns.
I am the bookkeeper of the house (sometimes I think I would have done well as an accountant), and finances are a big deal to me. Not in the sense of "oh my gosh we need all the monies," but more just having everything in order. I like being able to know exactly how much we have, where we should invest it, and what else will come in when. Jarrod recently started freelancing, so income is no longer predictable. I can't write "pay day" in my calendar and budget out months in advance like I used to do. It is incredibly frustrating.
It has forced me to make a decision. I can either trust in God's plan and timing, or I can panic (read: live in a state of constant anxiety and puddles of tears). It is a decision that I have to consciously make daily. Some days it's an easy decision, so much so that it hardly even feels like there's a decision to make. I just trust Him. But then there are those days that I have to fight hard not to throw up my hands and give in to the panic.
“Trusting God when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when there is only darkness— this is the kind of faith God values perhaps most of all. This is the kind of faith that can be developed and displayed only in the midst of difficult circumstances. This is the kind of faith that cannot be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken.”
Nancy Guthrie (emphasis mine)
I came across this quote a few months back and thought it was beautiful. I wrote it out, and it has been hanging by my desk since then. I have read it so often that I subconsciously know it, and on the days that are hard it comes floating to the front of my mind. If you asked me to quote it I wouldn't be able to, but in the times when I need it most, it's there waiting.
I truly believe God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and that brings me a sense of peace. I still think He's crazy sometimes, but when I just trust Him, I always come out on the other side stronger and better for it.
