I am weak.
I am weak in my body. I have been a tall, lanky, barely over 110 when soaked woman since I came into being. I have (strangely) had some pretty good strength for my size, but let's face it, that doesn't amount to much. I struggle to open water bottles, I get a good arm workout in from picking up my cats (my totally average weight cats), and I hate being picked up and put wherever people choose. I am also somehow capable of moving a 3.5x6 ft., 70 pound glass desk up a flight of stairs completely by myself out of stubbornness.
I am weak in my mind. Once upon a summer, I was a care-free, play with barbies at school (...middle school), wear tube socks with my dad's old track jersey and a skirt kind of kid. At some point, I lost that crazy kid and became a turtle trying to hide in my shell, only to find out that inside the shell is dangerous. I put myself down a lot. I let myself pick on me, prod me, become quietly submissive, and walk all over me. My mind has been known to be negative, assume the worst, and give up on me. And yet, you'll still find me fighting to stop staring at my imperfections in the mirror and get out the door every day.
I am weak in my soul. I used to be a stone wall. No tears shall pass! I could listen to the saddest sob story and struggled to even pretend to be sympathetic. A few years ago, a switch was turned on. I just watched a Glee episode (who even watches that anymore?) that had an 86-year-old past broadway star singing again, and it made me cry like a baby. I seriously cry at everything.
I am weak in my spirit. "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the one I love." I am constantly abandoning the God who loves me for things of the world. I constantly choose sleep over church, TV over my Bible, and worldly gifts over heavenly ones.
I will be strong.
I will be strong in my body. I know I can be strong. Times when I am stubborn (like moving my desk) have shown me I have the determination to do it. I want to be able to carry my own weight, literally. I started bouldering a few weeks ago, and already I am seeing such a dramatic change.
I will be strong in my mind. I should be my greatest supporter, not my enemy. I want to be confident in myself, whether that is physically or emotionally. It's ok for me to be weird or crazy. That's what makes me special.
I will be strong in my soul. I want to find a balance. I want to be able to control my emotions, but I don't want to be a statue. I want to be compassionate and in tune with how I'm feeling without also crying at seeing a kitten get adopted.
I will be strong in my spirit. I have finally found a new church home after about 6 years without. I am working on becoming part of a community where I can be surrounded by others that struggle just like me and where I have a support system for those times that I just want to sit on the couch.
I am so excited for this chapter.
