I struggle with finding the balance of things to share with you guys. I have a lot of feelings all the time, and not all of them are happy and encouraging. It feels untrue to myself not to share the hard parts too, but people don't often respond well to the hard parts of life.
From the outside and even to those close to me, I appear to have a beautifully happy life. I have the sweetest husband, two cats that I adore, a pup that gives excellent snuggles, a fully furnished house with a yard, tons of memories of vacations with family throughout the years, and the list goes on. I love serving and encouraging others, I smile often, and I think laughing is one of the best feelings in the world.
But I am also thoughtful. I am sympathetic. I am sensitive. I am quiet. I wear my heart on my sleeve and give too many people the ability to hurt my feelings. As much as I hate the saying, I feel all the feels, and oftentimes, that's the part of myself that I am most ashamed of. I try to hide it or ignore it, convincing myself that it's not ok to be so emotional. That people only want to see the happy, good parts.
I don't want to hide that anymore, because that's a huge part of who I am. I don't want to shy away from sharing my heart, and even now my pulse is racing at the thought of pressing "Publish." I don't want to be made to feel like that part of me is a mistake.
I think Leslie Padgett did a beautiful job of summarizing my thoughts.
"If you haven't already gathered, or happen to be reading this blog for the first time in your life, I am a melancholy girl through and through. I find beauty in not only the beautiful things in life, but the bittersweet and sad as well. To me, there is something poignantly lovely about the human experience from its splendor to its grief. God created all our emotions, not just the happy ones, and for His good purposes. That's why a good cry can feel so good. And hitting our limits forces us to look outside ourselves for a Savior. It is in the plea, when we're at our end, that we can find that which is truly life-giving. Personally, my moments of deepest grief, deepest pain, have resulted in the most beautiful seasons in my heart. I've met God more intimately in those moments than in all the other pleasant ones combined. What isn't completely lovely about that?"
Photo by the lovely Jessi Gibson.
